It's been awhile...

I haven't updated this for some time.  I think it's because I've been too busy to deal with "stuff".  Destin was a hard trip.  So many memories of good times and reminders of the person that is no longer with us.   I think it was important to go, but I'm looking for a different vacation spot for next year. I guess this is just part of moving on.   The weather was terrible and I think Chrissy was telling me to not come back.   Move on with your life.  Build a new one with the kids.   So I shall.

Frankie has really turned the corner.  His anger is still present, but to a much lesser degree.  He is returning to the happy go lucky kid I knew before "cancer".   I'm sure he will regress, as I still do...but there is progress.  Maria on the other hand is really feeling it now.  She is so attached to me.   I called a grief counselor and she noted this was very normal.  That a child will become very attached to the remaining parent.   She said give it some time.  She needs to work through this.   Let her know she can talk about it, but don't push.   So I've relented and I am giving her the space she needs to deal with the issue. 

I have good days and bad days.  I'm so tired of the day to day grind.  Just trying to keep up with life is exhausting, and then raising two kids by yourself..well..I'm sure you understand.   But I keep moving forward.  I owe it to my kids.  It really feels like an eternity since she died.  I'm dealing with what I've lost right now.  I was on auto-pilot before, but now I'm dealing with the loss itself.  The person I have known and loved for 27 years is gone.  I will never see her again, never hold her, never kiss her or make love to her again.   And that thought hits me in the gut like a sucker punch.  It knocks the wind out of me. 

This is such a strange journey.   I've experienced loss in my life.  My father dying in front of me when I was 7 years old, my mom, and even though I am too young to remember, my sister Debbie.  But this is so very different.  Because Chrissy was apart of me.  I've lost my identity.  Who in the hell am I now?  Will I find new love or another relationship?  Or am I the person who just needs to focus on his kids for the rest of my life.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  

A friend gave me some advice.  She is also a single parent.   She told me that the thing people don't realize is in order to be a good single parent, you have to take care of yourself too.  You have to have fun, and experience life, and make new connections.   It's good advice.  But I feel like a traitor to my kids.  Like I am putting my needs ahead of theirs.   It's very confusing to say the least. 

The one thing I pride myself on is that I am rock solid dependable.  I'm really not good at the little things, like remembering birthdays, or picking up a card when a friend is feeling low.  Maybe that's just a man thing :). But when push comes to shove, and I feel that a wrong is being done, I will step up and make it right.  I don't ignore problems and hope they will go away.  I attack them.  I don't wallow in pity nor do I cry "poor me". 

But I must say, this puzzle has me stumped.  I'm caught in between the rational and irrational.  And it's a cold dark place to be.