Yesterday marked a milestone in my grief journey, and it was bittersweet to say the least. Chrissy had always wanted some home improvement projects done to our house over the years, and we just never had the time or money to do them. With the life insurance money, I decided to make sure that every single project she wanted done was completed. These projects included new outside lighting, a huge patio in the backyard, new landscaping, new kitchen floor, updated indoor lighting in all of the rooms, and painting several rooms throughout the house.
Yesterday, I planted some new plants in our new retaining wall in the front. She always wanted a japanese maple like at her old house and new bushes. As I looked back on everything I did this last year, I cried. I wish she was here to share all of this with me. I so badly want to see that excited grin on her face, and that sparkle in her eye as she saw all of these improvements. And I had no one to share it with. Just me. And it didn't bring me any peace at all. I'm glad I finished her to-do list, but without her it is an empty victory.
All of these projects have been great therapy. It has kept me busy over the last 10 months and made me feel like I was honoring her. But the bigger question now haunts me. What now?