Sunday, September 19, 2010

It is done

Yesterday marked a milestone in my grief journey, and it was bittersweet to say the least. Chrissy had always wanted some home improvement projects done to our house over the years, and we just never had the time or money to do them. With the life insurance money, I decided to make sure that every single project she wanted done was completed. These projects included new outside lighting, a huge patio in the backyard, new landscaping, new kitchen floor, updated indoor lighting in all of the rooms, and painting several rooms throughout the house.

Yesterday, I planted some new plants in our new retaining wall in the front. She always wanted a japanese maple like at her old house and new bushes. As I looked back on everything I did this last year, I cried. I wish she was here to share all of this with me. I so badly want to see that excited grin on her face, and that sparkle in her eye as she saw all of these improvements. And I had no one to share it with. Just me. And it didn't bring me any peace at all. I'm glad I finished her to-do list, but without her it is an empty victory.

All of these projects have been great therapy. It has kept me busy over the last 10 months and made me feel like I was honoring her. But the bigger question now haunts me. What now?


  1. Now you see her smile in your children, her laugh in the sounds of nature, her humor in all her birth family and find your own happiness through all your life experiences. She is there with us in spirit....I have no doubt. It hurts because the experience is in a new way. I look forward to the day when I will know just as she does now. Thank you for all that you do and have done for her.
    Love you!

  2. Now, you rest. You continue to honor her by loving your kids exactly the way that you have been. You also need to do something just for yourself every single day. Even if it's something small like having a cup of coffee in silence for five minutes. Also, have you thought of some sort of DIY memorial stepping stone that you guys can put your personal touches on to put in the garden? I also agree that she is there with you every day and she is certainly smiling beside you!

  3. My husband passed away a little over a year ago. Although our circumstances are different, I can relate to the way you are feeling right now.

    At the end of year one, I am finding myself in the same situation, wondering what I should do next. Although I'm taking baby steps, I am unsure of which direction I should go as I move forward. All I know is that I'm trying to spend more time looking ahead now, than looking back. Time does not make grief vanish, but it does make it different.

    The destination ahead is unclear, but maybe that's okay. Maybe it's just important that we both continue moving forward. For me, it may mean planning less and letting the "What now?" just happen.

    I wish you the best of everything as you journey ahead, destination unknown.

    Hang in there!

  4. Oh Frank, I am in the middle of selling our house (mine and Craig's) and have staged it so beautifully - rearranging furniture, fixing up bits and pieces everywhere, adding customized window coverings throughout... All these things we planned to do but never got around to. You are right, it is so bittersweet, because all I can think is how much he would love it now.

    Funny thing is, I really don't know why we never did them while he was still here.

    I'm so sorry Chrissy will never get to see all the things you have done for her. But you are a good man for doing them anyway.

    Sending you a huge hug.

  5. Thanks barbie, ann, and em...Love you guys! :)