I've been feeling very tired the past week and somewhat lost. I couldn't figure out why. Tonight while reading the book A Grace Disguised (a neighbor who lost his wife to cancer gave me the book) I've finally figured out why. The author of A Grace Disguised lost his mother, his wife, and his 4 year old daughter in a horrible car accident. That kind of loss is unimaginable to me. He survived the crash with his 3 other children. In one terrible moment, he became a parent less child, a widower, a single parent, and a parent who lost a child.
He explains that we never recover from loss. I will never recover. I am an amputee. I will never have my life back. It's gone forever. Life will never be good again, because the life that I deemed "good" is gone forever. I need to let go of that definition of a "good life" because I am defining it with what was, not what is.
He also talks about chasing the setting sun, frantically running west, trying desperately to catch it and remain in it's fiery warmth and light. But he was losing the race. The sun was beating him to the horizon and was soon gone. He suddenly found himself in the twilight. Exhausted, he stopped running and glanced with foreboding over his shoulder to the east. He saw vast darkness closing in on him. He was terrified by that darkness. He wanted to keep running after the sun, though he knew that it was futile, for it had already proven itself faster than he was. So he lost all hope, collapsed to the ground and fell into despair. He thought at that moment that he would live in darkness forever. He felt absolute terror in his soul.
Later he realized that the quickest way for anyone to reach the warmth and light of the sun is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes upon the inevitable sunrise.
I think this is why I am so tired. I've been running towards the setting sun and I'm exhausted. I need to turn around and head into the darkness. Because that is the only way I will find the warmth and light again. I think there is great wisdom in this lesson. Only time will tell.